Hello. My real name is Anna, but I blog and write under the pen name Carrie-Anne, which I adopted for myself in May of 1993 after The Hollies' song. I'm 32 years old, though I still pass for someone in her twenties. No one ever guesses my age right. I've been writing since I was four years old and last year took my long-deferred dream of being a published writer off the back burner. I write 20th century historical fiction sagas and sometimes write soft sci-fi. I'm originally from the Pittsburgh area, but I've lived most of my life in Upstate NY. I also lived in the Berkshires for awhile, during which time I went to UMass Amherst for a degree in history and Russian and Eastern European studies. In the near future, I may finally be going to grad school for library science, though I still dream about getting a master's degree and doctorate in 20th century Russian history, my passion. Most of my hobbies and interests stem from my lifelong love of history, like silent film, antique cars, vinyl records, coins, stamps, old books, old cemeteries, and genealogy. Speaking of genealogy, one of my nine-greats-grandfathers came to Colonial America in the 1640s, supposedly to escape Oliver Cromwell, and I'm extremely proud to have such vintage American roots on that branch of my family tree.
DW: Who was the person that died?
CA: My maternal uncle Paul. I always had so much fun with him, and loved going to his house. He had an awesome dollhouse I loved playing with, helped get me started in my lifelong hobby of numismatism (coin-collecting), loved giving me toy dinosaurs and telling me neat facts about dinosaurs (one of his interests), enjoyed playing board games with me (even if he sometimes cheated at Candy Land because he didn't want to be beaten by a kid!), and had a great sense of humor. We had the kind of close relationship where, had he lived long enough and had I chosen to go to college in Pittsburgh, he would've unquestioningly let me stay at his place. And I'm sure he would've been supportive of the decision I made about what religious path I wanted to follow when I was eighteen, even though it was a different faith than his. I firmly believe he was watching over me when I was run over by a car in 2003 and miraculously got away with relatively minimal injuries, a broken leg and some burns. To this day, I still have the posthumous last present he ever gave me, three $2 bills his widow sent me for my birthday at the end of that year with a note saying he would've wanted me to have them.
DW: How old were you at the time?
CA: Eight.
DW: How old was your Uncle?
CA: I think he was 33.
DW: Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen?
CA: He and his wife were driving to work on St. Patrick's Day 1988, and the car skidded on black ice and went through a rotting wooden guard rail. It was completely unexpected for everyone. His wife was a nurse, so she immediately knew he was dead. One week later, the guard rails were replaced with proper modern metal ones.
DW: Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before your Uncle died?
CA: Because I was so young, I hadn't really personally experienced any deaths of friends or relatives. At most, I remember my great-grandpap Ben passed away a little before this, and that did upset me, since I'd really liked him. But since I was only seven years old when he died and we hadn't had an extremely close relationship, I wasn't hit that hard.
DW: Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving?
CA: I didn't even know he'd passed away till my mother came home from the funeral in Pennsylvania with my little brother. Even today, I'm still upset I wasn't told right away and was denied that chance to say goodbye. Even more upsetting was when I learnt, years later, than my paternal grandma actually counseled my mother not to tell me right away. As a result, I felt like I never really got closure on his death and kept everything bottled up inside for years. It didn't help that I was also having some social, emotional, and behavioral problems at this point in my life, the reason for which was finally figured out three years ago. It's only really been in the last nine years, since my own car accident, that I've been able to open up and talk about my uncle, and his death, instead of avoiding the subject or closing down. The first time I was really able to bring myself to cry over his death was when I was in the hospital after the first of my surgeries in August 2003.
DW: Is there anything you wish you'd done differently with this person?
CA: I wish I hadn't refused to hug him one of the last times I saw him, and hadn't been such a stubborn kid or had those childhood issues that contributed to my being not so touchy-feely at that age. And I wish my family had spent more time living in Pittsburgh instead of relocating to Upstate NY, so I could've seen him on more than visits. But in spite of not wanting to hug him, I knew he wasn't upset with me. I've never forgotten how my mother told me, when she went to his house after the death, the last letter I ever wrote him was on the refrigerator, along with a picture. It had meant so much to my southpaw uncle that I'd written him a letter and drawn a picture with my left hand, and I'm sure that from the other world, he's very proud of me for having finally come out of the closet about the true extent of my left-handedness.
DW: Was he buried or cremated?
CA: He was buried in the Pittsburgh area.
DW: Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you'd like to share?
CA: It's not right to hide the news of a death from a child and not give her the chance to say goodbye. There are always age-appropriate ways to convey the news and help the child to start grieving in normal time. It's worse when you keep it a secret and think it's better to find out after the funeral.
DW: Last but not least, were any songs played at the memorial that were important to your Uncle?
CA: I didn't attend the funeral, as I've mentioned, though years later I saw a scrapbook in my uncle's memory in my grandparents' home. I believe "Amazing Grace" was one of the songs listed as being played at his memorial service. He was a person of deep religious faith, though it was certainly never something he was overt about.
This one goes out to Paul
Okay blog readers, what are your thoughts and opinions about discussing death with kids? Should they be allowed to attend funerals? Know of any good books for kids who are grieving? (I get asked this quite a lot)
Father's Day
This past week, I finally got around to reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. The small, hard cover edition was for sale at my library. I paid a buck and brought it home. It's one of those books that you can read in one sitting. I'm sure you are all familiar with the Last Lecture even if you haven't seen the video or read the book. It's about a guy with a terminal diagnosis reflecting on his life for the sake of his three young children. It's beautiful. This guy loves his kids and he wants them to know him as they grow up without any memories of him. I want Randy Pausch as my dad.
Which brings me to Father's Day.
It is a holiday that I absolutely hate. None of the Hallmark cards can express to my father what I want to say to him. I wrote an essay about him and it's been rejected by quite a few places. If you want to read it, I'll email it to you because I'm experiencing technical difficulties. It's called Poker Face. Not to be confused with this Poker Face.
Now, for my husband, the day is a different story. This year, I am inspired by the Last Lecture. I want my kids to make cards for their dad and be very specific about what they appreciate about him. We all want to know what we're doing right and the more specific we can be, the better. We will probably take him to the batting range since he's been talking about going there for months. Then we'll probably go eat somewhere he likes.
What are you doing for Father's Day?
Which brings me to Father's Day.
It is a holiday that I absolutely hate. None of the Hallmark cards can express to my father what I want to say to him. I wrote an essay about him and it's been rejected by quite a few places. If you want to read it, I'll email it to you because I'm experiencing technical difficulties. It's called Poker Face. Not to be confused with this Poker Face.
Now, for my husband, the day is a different story. This year, I am inspired by the Last Lecture. I want my kids to make cards for their dad and be very specific about what they appreciate about him. We all want to know what we're doing right and the more specific we can be, the better. We will probably take him to the batting range since he's been talking about going there for months. Then we'll probably go eat somewhere he likes.
What are you doing for Father's Day?
Versatile Blogger Award
My award, courtesy of Lily Tequila
Her blog is called "Wishbone Soup Cures Everything"
Gosh, I sincerely wish it did!
Well, I don't know how versatile this blog is. I just talk about death and kind of stick to that, but hey, I'm a Leo and if someone wants to give me an award, I'll take it! But, I did start another blog today. And it's on Word Press! Oh, the horror! I guess I am versatile.
If you've been following me, you know that my next quest is of a spiritual nature. You can read my lame-o first post here. I think I need the self-deprecating blogger award. Can someone get on that, please?
Here are the rules:
1. Add the award to your blog.
2. Thank the blogger that gave it to you.
3. Mention 7 random things about you.
4. List the rules.
5. Award to 15 bloggers.
6. Inform each of those 15 by leaving a comment on their blog.
Okay, so I did number one. Thank you Lily for the award. Everyone go check out her blog and show her some love! Okay, here's my 7 random things.
1. I wanted to be a professional roller skater when I grew up. Not a derby girl, mind you, just a professional roller skater. You know, someone who just skates all the time. I love to roller skate. I don't do it enough, but I probably should because it makes me happy.
2. My father is a professional poker player.
And there he is. And no, the cigar was not lit. If I ever write a memoir about
my wacky life, this will be the cover image.
3. I don't watch TV. I am very much out of the pop culture loop in that regard. I don't think I'm missing much.
4. I love astrology. My favorite astrologer is a Canadian woman named Georgia Nicols. I'm a Leo, Sag Rising with a Pisces Moon. I also have some planetary aspects that point to an obsession with death. Ha! Ya think?
5. I'm an INFP. I've taken the Meyer's Briggs test two times. Once at 18 and once at 35. I always hoped that it would change, but it didn't. It's a wonderful personality for writing, so there ya go.
6. Although I don't watch TV, I love going to the movies. But, I have to be the first person in the theater so I can sit exactly where I want - first row with the rail in front of me. I don't like strangers sitting next to me, but I like having the movie theater experience of laughing or crying with a bunch of people I don't know. Yes, I'm odd. I love popcorn, diet Pepsi and Hot Tamales for the show. My favorite movie of all times is The Shawshank Redemption.
7. I met my husband in a bar. I was the bartender. He ordered a Full Sail Ale and the rest is history.
Okay, here's my fifteen. Dang, that's a lot! I'm changing the rules. I'm gonna bestow this on Five lucky bloggers.
1. Phoenix Once Again
2. What Else is Possible?
3. A Grave Interest
4. Adam's Daily Apple
5. Blue Skies Sunny Days
Alright, there ya go. There's not even a mention of death. I'm a well rounded individual who is, dare I say it, versatile.
Tell me one random fact about you. And make it a good one!