M is for...


When I first began this project of exploring professions that dealt with death, I naively thought that I didn't have any experience with death, other than the death of my grandmother when I was a teen.  At the age of 38 when I began this journey, I'd already had two miscarriages.  
Why didn't I consider their loss as a death?

For me, the minute those two lines appeared on the test, I was literally pregnant with possibility--living in the future with my snuggly little bundle of joy.  Although my mother experienced several miscarriages before having six children, I never considered that possibility for myself.  Until it happened.  Immediately, I felt shame that my body couldn't do the most natural of natural things.  Then I blamed myself, thinking I had done something wrong.  Ultimately, I felt unable to grieve openly over my loss.  

Miscarriages make people uncomfortable.  Heck, all death makes people uncomfortable.  (That's why I'm so thankful for the few followers that I do have.  You all get brownie points for joining the discussion.) I'm partly to blame.  I silenced myself so that others wouldn't feel uncomfortable. When I did talk to someone, I was told either, a.) It's good that it happened early or b.) Don't worry, you'll have another one.  So, in other words, forget about it. Suck it up. Move on. Is this just an American attitude?  I'd be interested to hear from people outside of the states.

Jizo Statues

If you'd like to read about what they do in Japan, there's a wonderful article,"Mourning my Miscarriage" by Peggy Orenstein that talks about this tradition.

In my own research, I found this wonderful book, "Unspeakable Losses" by Kim Kluger-Bell. If you've experienced a miscarriage or know someone who has, I highly recommend it.

So, who is going to be brave and talk about it?  What helped you in the grieving process?