F**k, My Book is Less Than a Buck!

Want to help me reach new readers and get an orange bestseller flag in an obscure category on Spamazon? Gift my book to yourself and everyone you know. I think the limit is 4, but seriously, for less than the price of a latte at Starshmucks, you can help a gal realize a dream…”Bestselling author!”

You know, Mother’s Day is right around the corner and nothing says “I love you, Mom” quite like a humorously horrific tale of vampire redemption. Yes, I’m cheap, but I’m not easy.

Okay, I’m done with the high pressure sales pitch. I’m sure you can smell desperation all the way from your back porch in Lincoln, NE, so I’ll shut my pie hole.

Let’s see, what else is new and noteworthy? Well, I’ve had a few things published online. The links are below…

For a character Interview with Veronica the Vampire, click here.

I was interviewed on the Debutante Ball. I wasn’t wearing a fancy dress or dancing, but I did talk about reading Richard Ramirez, aka the Nightstalker’s, mail. Click here.

Last, but certainly not least, I was on a panel at the Get Lit Festival. Disrupting Stereotypes: Older Women in Contemporary Literature. Video Below.

Thanks for stopping by. If you have read Forever 51, please leave a review on Goodreads, Bookbub or Amazon. Thank you!

I'm in the Phone Book!

Here’s a bit of trivia for you. My first heartbreaking work of staggering genius was published in the phone book. And no, it wasn’t my name, address and phone number that brought the publishing world to its knees. For four fabulous years, I worked for Directory Plus in Colorado and my job was to proofread ad copy for nine different phone books throughout the Southwest. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?

No?

Yeah, I thought so. So anyway, my boss needed some filler material, so she allowed me to submit a short essay about the ickiness of cell phone usage in the bathroom. To show you how far I’ve developed as a writer since 2007, I am totally writing this post while sitting on the commode. Yep. Keeping it classy here on the old bloggity blog.

Anyway, everytime I see my name in print, I always think of Steve Martin in The Jerk.

“ I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.”

Except now, people toss those phonebooks in to the recycling container because, well, it’s 2020 and google is a verb.

If only it was that easy to reach millions of people! I’m lucky if I reach twenty. And I’m grateful for each and every one of you. So, what’s new? This past week, an interview I did with Kate Cornell, author and host of Two Authors Talking, was posted on youtube. We talk about writing, favorite tropes and you can witness my resting bitch face in action, or should I say inaction?

I also made a spamtastic plea for my friends, frenemies and people I don’t even know to request my book from their local public library. I’m going to get really real with you right now. I didn’t get into writing about death and menopausal vampires because I saw a fat paycheck in my future. I did it because I love to tell stories and make people laugh. Yes, money would be lovely, especially since I basically just lost my contract job and i’m working part time at a public library, so here’s the deal. I would be ETERNALLY grateful if you GOOGLED the number of YOUR public library. Then take it one step further and call that number and REQUEST that they acquire Forever 51 for their patrons. Because to me, success is seeing my book in print on a shelf in a public library. Public libraries rock because everyone deserves access to information, especially if that information contains funny, bloody stories of menopausal vampires. Don’t believe me? Perhaps Grady Hendrix, NY Times best selling author of The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires will…

Or perhaps Kirkus could inspire you. They do use some awfully colorful language in my review. Don’t believe me, click here.

Just a simple phone call that will take you less than five minutes could help change an author’s life. My life. And it doesn’t cost you a dime! Please and thank you for doing your part to spread the word before my pub date of 11/5/20! #Forever51

If you would like a free review copy of my book, it is up on Net Galley. All I ask is that you read and write an honest review of the book and then post it on Bookbub or Goodreads. Those early reviews are soooooo important for authors.

Last, but certainly not least, here’s my book trailer for Forever 51. My nephew, Egor, did the graphic design. My brother, Rob, did the music. And Lisaun Whittingham who narrated my first book Death Becomes Us, performed the voice over. It’s creepy, it’s quirky. Will you share it? Pretty please with a cherry on top?

One last thing before you go, if you pre-order Forever 51, send me a screenshot to thedeathwriter@gmail.com and I will enter your name into the drawing for the book club basket that I’m giving away on Halloween.

You know how to look things up on Spamazon. If you’d like to buy my book and help independent booksellers in the process, shop here.

Okay. I’m done. Thank you for reading all the way to the end and clicking on all the links and supporting someone who is kind of old to be having a “debut” novel come out two days after the presidential election.

In case you’ve never been told this before, I like you just the way you are!

A Chat with Julie about the Change

Welcome to “The Pause!” Every Wednesday (if I can find women of a certain age who are willing to share their experience with me and you) there will be a new post.

Why am I doing this? Well, I’m almost 50 and I would REALLY like to feel less alone in this new chapter of my life. I feel like our culture doesn’t want to talk about menopause. It’s like if you admit that your period has stopped, you are admitting to something shameful or unnatural. Like death, menopause is both inevitable (if you’re lucky enough to grow older) and pretty darn natural. I used to think it was hard to get people to talk about death, but you can double that hesitancy when it comes to chatting about “THE CHANGE!”

If you read the first post, I am now on a quest to find media representations of a menopausal woman. I couldn’t find one, so we’re going with an awesome Ted Talk by Sandra Tsing Loh. If you know of any story lines in movies or television shows that address this major transition in a woman’s life without making it a punchline, leave it in the comments!

So, before we begin our chat, let’s define perimenopause and menopause from Merriam Webster’s online dictionary.

Definition of menopause

1: the natural cessation of menstruation that usually occurs between the ages of 45 and 55 also : the period during which such cessation occurs

— called also climacteric

— compare PERIMENOPAUSE

2: cessation of menstruation from other than natural causes

Definition of perimenopause

: the period around the onset of menopause that is often marked by various physical signs (such as hot flashes and menstrual irregularity)

So now that that’s clear, my next willing participant is Julie who is in her sixties.

1.      Do you remember your mother or an older woman in your family going through “the change of life?” If so, what was that like?

I don't know that anyone ever talked about it to me, or that I was aware of it. However, my own bipolar disorder was triggered most by hormones (onset of menstruation, pregnancy, nursing...), and my paternal grandmother, also bipolar, committed suicide in her late 50s or early 60s after five children and years of unsuccessful treatment (medicines and electroshock therapy). I suspect she may have had similar issues.

2.      Was perimenopause/menopause ever discussed with you by your mother, sister, friend, or a doctor? If so, what did that discussion entail?

I don't know where I first learned of perimenopause—reading, doctor, or friend. I do know that I didn't seek out enough information or ask enough questions. As a result, I did not act quickly enough to prevent some vaginal atrophy. I thought that my dryness was due simply to perimenopause, and my doctor suggested coconut oil (very messy). I've had better luck with two products (Vulva Harmony and Vulvacare). Other products did little to help. Sea buckthorn capsules are my latest effort to make intercourse tolerable/possible again. They must mimic hormones well, as they make me irritable. I can't tell yet if they help. Women clearly need to tell each other more much earlier.

3.      Was menopause something you feared or something you looked forward to? (Yay, no more periods! Boo, I’m drowning in my own sweat!)

I really didn't understand that I might lose my sexuality by not being proactive, so primarily looked forward to fewer hormone-induced mood swings. Nobody loves menstrual cycles, do they?

4.      What was your experience like? Did you burst into flames? Grow a mustache? Gain a ton of weight? Lose your hair? Lose your mind? Or was it easy peasy, Tampax can kiss my vageasy?

At about age 45, I began gaining weight and losing my waistline. It was concerning, but seemed pretty normal. I remained busy and active. No hair loss until around 58 (slight thinning). I may have missed a great deal because I developed type 1 diabetes at age 48 (medical rarity), had a vaginal hysterectomy (retained only ovaries) due to a prolapsed uterus the same fall, and was so immersed in diabetes management that I could no longer separate the two accurately.

5. Is there anything you wish you had known before you went through perimenopause/menopause?Anything you would have done differently?

I would have considered natural treatments to retain vaginal integrity and lubrication. It's hard to amend loss of functionality. I fear hormonal treatment because type 1 diabetes increases cancer risk significantly. I like living better than sex.  I certainly wish I'd read more and asked more questions. I could also be more adventuresome (not closed to other options or naive, but rarely employ them anymore. At some point, sex begins to feel as much like work as like pleasure when years of dysfunction make it increasingly infrequent.

Julie, thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing your experience!

And you can too! Just reach out via my contact page. If you want me to reach out to you and help me do my little part to help save the USPS. I bought a TON of stamps and if you sign up for my newsletter, I will send you some swag (stickers, bookmarks and if you pre-order my book, I’ll send you a cute little button!!) from my debut novel Forever 51. (It’s about an eternally menopausal vampire.)