J is for...

JUST

I use this word way too much.  It's like a crutch.  What I really need to do is just do it.  Ya know?  Like in the Nike ad campaign!  Just sit my ass down, write brilliant prose that shows what's going on (never tells), that illustrates what's at stake (um, I still don't know) and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It probably wasn't the best idea to quit nicotine lozenges this week.  I'm a little on edge.  I hate my book.  I hate that I can't give a good enough reason that I explored death other than, I wanted to explore something that scared me and that  also allowed me to get my MFA at the same time.  I hate that writing a book is like water-boarding yourself on purpose.  (I didn't say that, my editor did.)  I hate that this editor is going to read my book in about three weeks and will probably want to stab me with a fork at some point next month.

Why can't writing be easy?  You don't have to answer that.  I'm just bitching and moaning.

If you want to comment, please tell me your favorite book and why it's your favorite book.  I'll start...

"Catcher in the Rye"  Boy is that a cliche choice or what?  It's one of the few books that I have read more than once.  I like Holden Caufield.  He's nuts, but I like him and he meant a lot to me when I was a teen.  He was like my first book crush.  Okay, now you go...

I is for...

Illness

On Sunday, my husband poisoned me.  He didn't mean to do it, but he did it just the same.  We were making bacon, eggs and potatoes for breakfast when we realized we didn't have an onion.  So, Erik says, "I think there's one in the garden," and out he went to forage through the dirt.  He came back in with what looked like an overgrown green onion.  He diced the bulb, threw it in with the potatoes and that was that. I'm new to this gardening thing, so it felt kind of neat to procure a needed food item in the backyard instead of having to hop in the car and drive a mile to the nearest Kroeger.

But, and I'm sad to say there is a but, about ten minutes after consuming our tasty breakfast, Erik looks at me with a worried expression and says, "I don't feel so good."  I'll spare you the details and just say his body rejected the perfectly crisp bacon and everything else he'd eaten that morning. Right after he exited the bathroom, it was my turn.  

I was convinced we had a stomach bug, since one is going around, but after the initial "incident," we were fine.  No fever, no aches or pains, no more technicolor heaving.  Plus, our kids weren't sick and neither of them at the potatoes and we did.

The night before last, I awoke to the sound of my daughter throwing up.  She walked in my room to announce this fact. I think I said, "I'm sorry.  Put a trashcan by your bed."  I feel like a horrible parent.  I made it up to her yesterday with the whole, wet wash cloth, cracker and chicken broth routine.  So, now I'm not so sure if it was the onion, if indeed it really was an onion or just something masquerading as one. 

I feel queasy today.  It could be I'm sick.  Or it could be I'm jonesing for nicotine.  Or it could be that panic is setting in.  I have eleven days to finish.  

But, I wrote something and that's a start.

H is for...

There are good habits and there are bad habits.  Currently, I am trying to incorporate a few good habits into my life so that I will be happier and healthier as I sprint towards the finish line.  One of these habits is running.  Let me backtrack here for a second.  I used to be a smoker and I'm talking a heavy, two pack a day chain smoker.  On a good day, I had the lung capacity of a hamster.  But, I was able to kick that cigarette addiction a few years back  with the assistance of nicotine lozenges.  I started out with Commit, but found that I liked the Wal Mart generic variety because they were cheaper and tasted more like candy.  And guess what?  I am now thoroughly addicted to the lozenges.  Like a nincompoop, I disregarded the right way to quit.  Ya know, like in three months with a gradual decrease in the nicotine consumed.  

Every day, I pop those tasty little lozenges like they were Altoids.  I drink with them.  I sleep with them.  I eat one right after eating.  In other words, they have become another nasty, expensive habit that I need to break.  Like today.  

Yes, you heard me right. Today I am cutting them out cold turkey like I should have done with the cancer sticks two years ago.  Goodbye weekly $30 box of nicotine and Hello, .99 bag of Atomic Fireballs!

Let's see if I have any teeth left by next week.  So, back to running.  I decided to run a 5k a few months back so I did the Couch to 5K app on my phone.  At first it was really tough, but after I hit some magic moment on that treadmill, I began to love it.  Each day I walked out of the gym floating on air.  Endorphins rock!  And accomplishing a goal rocks too.  My 5k is June 1.  We'll see if I can actually run outside with wind blowing and Texas heat and humidity assaulting my senses.

So, the other habit I'm trying to incorporate into my life is writing on a daily basis.  I'm one of those writers who sits down when the mood strikes and lately, well, the mood hasn't been striking.  And I've got to finish this book so that the editor that I'm paying actually has a story to rip apart.  It's got to have a beginning, a middle and an end.  And it's got to make sense.  And she needs it April 20th.  Yes, I have 290 pages.  Yes, it's book length, but does it flow?  Is there a narrative arc?  Will people care?  I have no idea.  I'm so lost and so so distracted.

Which brings me to the A to Z blog challenge.  I thought very deeply today about throwing in the towel and giving up. Heck, nobody would really notice.  But then, I thought, wait a second, this is daily writing.  And it is a good habit.  But then I thought, well it's not really fair to the people who visit my blog and I don't respond and visit their blog because I get distracted and stop writing on the project that is closest to my heart.  So, this is what I decided on.  I will post every day.  If you post a comment, you're a saint.  You are getting some seriously good Kharma by doing so.  Your reward will be delayed, however.  I will visit your blog and sing your praises on April 21.  In fact, the last week of April will be a marathon of blog hopping.  

I know it's unconventional.  I know it's sort of lame.  But, what can I say?  Sometimes we have to put ourselves first.

I wish you all great success.  If you want to hear me bitch and complain till April 20, stop on in.  The door is always open.