Ordinary People came out in 1980 and was Robert Redford's directorial debut. I didn't see it in the theater, but years later as an adult. I always thought of Mary Tyler Moore as the cute and spunky characters she played on TV from the Dick Van Dyke show to the Mary Tyler Moore show. After seeing her in this film, I never saw her in the same light. She showed she had some serious acting chops, but she didn't win the Oscar for her performance. The fact that Donald Sutherland was not nominated for his performance was considered one of the biggest acting snubs in Academy history. It's a great film about the dynamics of a family. Yes, it's sad, but damn it's good. Another reason I like this film is that an X rated version of it was mentioned in one of my all time favorite movies, The Fisher King.
Monday Mournings: The Death of a Spouse
Donna lives and travels full-time in a 41' 5th wheel toy hauler pulled by a small Freightliner truck. A retired IT professional she also rides her own Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Her most recent passion is writing. You can find her at http://2takinga5th.com as well as http://donnamcnicol.com
DW: Who was the person that died?DM: It was my husband of 19 years.
DW: How old were you at the time? DM: I had just turned 58.
DW: How old was your husband? DM: He had just turned 62.
DW: Was it a sudden death or did you know it was going to happen? DM: He had been diagnosed with head/neck cancer in 2001. He stayed in remission just over two years so when it came back, he was terminal. He had almost another year. I'm not sure if knowing it's going to happen is an advantage or not other than being more financially prepared.
DW: Did you and your husband talk about death? DM: Not to a great extent. I think he always thought he would beat it. I tend to be more of a realist and knew the odds. I tried my best to prepare myself.
DW: Had you experienced any other deaths in your personal life before this person died? DM: I had lost all four grandparents, a couple of uncles and both parents. Some were unexpected and at a younger age, the others more late in life deaths.
DW: Were people supportive of your grief or did they shy away when you were grieving? DM: People were extremely supportive of me. If anyone shied away, it was me. We had moved from Florida to a small town in Tennessee less than two months before he died. He wanted to see me settled in a comfortable spot. That was the good part. The bad part was I knew one neighbor (barely) and my realtor. Oh, and the Harley-Davidson dealer in the neighboring town where I had bought my new bike the month before. I slowly got to know people by forcing myself out of the house even if it was to sit at McDonald's to drink coffee and read for a couple of hours.
DW: Is there anything you wish you'd done differently? DM: I wish he hadn't worked right up until the end but I also know that working helped him through his days.
DW: Was he buried or cremated? DM: He was cremated and most of his ashes where spread in the mountains of Tennessee. In addition, we bought small glass bottles and the funeral home put some of his ashes in each. Each of our kids (we were a blended family) and some close friends and other family, got the bottle with the Dr. Seuss/Theodor Geisel saying, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." on it. They then chose to celebrate his life in their own way. His ashes were spread at Daytona Bike Week, Pikes Peak in Colorado, down by the river he played at as a child in Rochester NY and other favored spots. I also carry a small vial on my key ring with some of his ashes so he is always with me. My bottle of his ashes will be mixed in with mine when I pass.
DW: Did you learn anything about the grieving process that you'd like to share? DM: The biggest thing that surprised me was the ebb and flow. For the first two years it's a roller coaster. You'll be doing fine and a song or a phrase or a TV show/movie will bring back a memory. I learned to let myself wallow for a bit, then head back out and face the world as best as I could.
DW: Were any songs played at the memorial that were important to your husband? DM: He had no memorial service, thus the bottles of ashes, but some good songs would be: "Shameless" Garth Brooks (his favorite and it still makes me cry) "Live Like You Were Dying" Tim McGraw (I could listen to either of these the first year) "Colour My World" Chicago (sort of our song - see http://www.write4ten.com/2012/06/prompt-song-memory.html)
The Mayborn Literary Nonfiction Conference
My attendance at the conference was made possible by the wonderful DFW Writer's Workshop in Euless. Most of my fellow comrades at DFWW write fiction. Being around them on a weekly basis and listening to their tales of ghosts and magic and dystopian worlds has made me a better writer. I am eternally grateful for their feedback and their encouragement.
Okay, enough mushiness, let's go back to the conference...So, I entered an essay into the Mayborn writing competition. The particular essay that I entered was on the verge of being banished to the bowels of my pc after several rejections and close calls at publication. I thought I'd give it one last chance and enter it into the Mayborn. If anything, it might get me selected to be a workshop participant. And it was.
The ten people in my workshop group were awesome. They were generous and thoughtful with their critiques and they made me realize what was missing from this story. Me. Well, a bit of my history that I had never considered as necessary. But now that they've pointed it out, I had a Eureka moment. That's IT!!! I had the secret ingredient of the secret ingredient soup.
So, it was a great surprise on Saturday night that I was selected as one of the winners. Okay, I was a "Runner Up." I didn't receive one of the cash prizes, but my story will be published in next year's Ten Spurs. By next year, I plan to pay my own way to the conference. I will either have a book deal in place or I will seriously pursue my dream of teaching writing in a correctional setting. You may think that is a silly dream, but I've learned that the greatest thing we can do with these 80 odd years we think we've been given is to give other people hope.
Hope. I got a heaping helping of it this weekend. Thanks to everyone who made it possible. I will pay it forward.
Peace out.
Quisque iaculis facilisis lacinia. Mauris euismod pellentesque tellus sit amet mollis.