A Memorial Day Remembrance

This Monday is Memorial Day in the United States, a day to remember the men and women who died while serving in the United States Armed Forces. I have invited one of my classmates at Goucher to share her experience of burying her father at Arlington Cemetery.  Tracey Emslie has been a journalist for many (many, many) years.  She is a Navy wife and an Air Force mother.  Her Dad was an Army PFC.

Day is Done by Tracey Emslie

The Chaplain closed his book and stepped to one side. The six members of the honor guard remained immobile, holding the American flag stretched taut above the urn as soft rain dripped from the overhead canopy. It was peaceful, if you didn’t mind the hum of traffic on the other side of the niche wall.  Eight more soldiers stood at attention on the green, grassy rise to our right.  Seven of them held rifles.  One stood apart.  A crisp rifle volley cracked the quiet; three rounds of seven simultaneous shots producing the traditional twenty-one gun salute.

When the after-echo of the shots fully died away, the eighth soldier put a bugle to his lips and produced the twenty-four traditional, haunting notes of Taps, letting them drift over row upon row upon row of starkly simple, white markers inscribed with the name, rank, and dates of birth and death of those interred at Arlington National Cemetery.  Composed by Civil War General Dan Butterfield, the bugler’s soft lullaby to the setting sun—and death—may be the only truly lovely sound to come out of a war.

There are restrictions concerning who can have full burial rites at Arlington: those killed in battle, those awarded major medals, Presidents and the like top the list.  Most of the others are “inurned” in the niche wall or Columbarium.  The common link for all is significant service, but despite the elegant uniformity of the markers, all their stories are unique and often complex; like my Dad’s, for instance.

He enlisted in the army as soon as he turned eighteen.  A year later, he was driving an ambulance; a medic dodging artillery barrages in the snow and fog of the Ardennes Offensive without enough food, clothing, or medical supplies during that largest, bloodiest battle of World War II.  89,000 American casualties. 19,000 killed. He was again behind the wheel of his ambulance, 14th in line to cross the Ludendorff Bridge over the Rhine at Remarge, the 9th to arrive at the other side.  Five vehicles ahead of him were blown up, including one immediately in front of him that was being driven by a friend.  Not long after he returned from the war, his mother committed suicide and he had to identify the body.

He drove race cars.  He became a brilliant engineer.  His “doohickies” that enabled the creation of F-111 fighter jets made the cover of Aviation Weekly.Twice.  Eventually almost totally deaf, he actively welcomed social isolation.  He could drip charm when he chose, but was a supremely absent father and grandfather who managed to alienate three successive wives, any number of family members, and all of his subsequent caregivers as Alzheimer’s took its brutal toll.

After the playing of Taps, the honor guard folded the flag once, twice, then into a triangle of white stars on a blue field. It was presented on bended knee to my brother, with “appreciation from a grateful nation.”  An Arlington Lady, one of a cadre of volunteers who attend every funeral to ensure that no one is buried alone, presented a condolence card from the Secretary of the Army and his wife.  Dad’s ashes were placed in the niche wall.  I put a modern postcard from Bastogne featuring a poetic tribute from Belgian children to the Ardennes veterans alongside it. It said they were the children those who died never had. The marble cover was screwed back on.  The honor guard went on to another funeral.

We walked up the hill to pay tribute to the Tomb of the Unknowns, where a solemnly marching guard helped a group of schoolchildren lay a wreath.  On our way back down, we drew aside for seven dark, gleaming horses clip-clopping their way up the hill.  One was saddled.  Six were in harness, pulling a caisson bearing a flag-draped casket as another rifle volley and another rendering of Taps played in the distance.

Photo by Tracy Emslie

400,000 starkly plain, white gravestones.  400,000 stories; some long, some tragically short.  They perform thirty funerals a day.  There are now so many dead that there is a three to six month waiting list.

If you’d like to take part in a future Monday Mourning post and share your experience with my readers, reach out to me!

Last, but certainly not least, help me do my little part to save the USPS. I bought a TON of stamps and if you sign up for my newsletter, I will send you some swag (stickers, bookmarks and now buttons!) from my debut novel Forever 51.

The DFW Writer's Conference

So, the whole reason I have this here "Death Writer" blog is because I wrote a book about my anxiety fueled journey exploring death.  I would never have studied death if it hadn't been for school.  I'm the kind of person who thrives in an environment where I'm held accountable. Look at death!  Okay!

One day I hope to sell Death Becomes Us.  You know, so I can pay off those student loans. Grad school was expensive, but totally worth it.  Heck, even if my manuscript never sees the vaguely florescent light of a Barnes and Noble or the computer screen glow from a Nook I'm a much better person for taking the trip.  Ask my family.
Me & Tom French, one of my mentors at school.

And if I'm going to be totally honest, I'd like to see something I wrote in a bookstore. At the rate I'm going, however, I'm afraid by the time this thing makes it into print, print will be gone.  E readers are cool.  I guess.  I don't own one.  I like paper.  But I am not violently opposed to them.  Whatever happens, happens.

Here I am looking at the "stars" on the ceiling at the conference.
I think I've had a glass of wine or three.

So, last weekend I attended the DFW Writer's Conference in lovely Hurst, TX.  I've been to a few conferences in my day, but I have to say that this one was particularly enjoyable.  For one, the Hurst conference center was beautiful and there were snacks.  Lots and lots of snacks.  You wouldn't think that snacks would make or break a conference, but you would be oh so wrong if you thought that snacks were unimportant.  People, myself included, like to eat a cookie or grab a cup of coffee when their brain is on overdrive trying to absorb all the output..  And there was a ton to absorb.

I thoroughly enjoyed James Rollins' Keynote Address.  I've never read any of his books, but that doesn't matter.  He still gave a very funny, heartfelt speech about becoming a writer.  And who doesn't love a man who will openly admit that he approached Ron Howard at his first conference thinking he was someone he knew.  Plus, he used to be a veterinarian and despite the fact that he's now a best selling author, he still volunteers his services once a month at a spay and neuter clinic.

My favorite class was called Fast Draft and was taught by Candace Havens.  This woman is not only funny and an excellent teacher, she's also a trooper.  I'm not going to go into why I think she's a trooper, but trust me, she is. I just figured out the ending of my book after months of pondering and hoping for some sort of miracle happy ending.  Books about death, even ones written in sort of a humorous tone are kind of heavy, and the damn thing was right in front of my face.  Since this is a memoir, there has to be some sort of detachment in order to reflect on the events.  I've finally got it!  And it took one night of fast draft to free myself up.  I figuratively vomited my ending.  Now I'm wading through the mess.  Ewwwwwwww!

I also had three requests for my proposal, but I kind of live by the motto, "Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed."  So, if anything comes of it, you'll be the first to know.  I'm lying.  You'll probably be the third to know.  Mom and husband come first because they've had to put up with me a lot longer than you have.

Yesterday I found out that I'm going to be able to attend another writing conference in July called the Mayborn Literary Nonfiction Conference.  It's in Texas.  Yee haw!

So, bloggers, what's your favorite conference?  Why?  Are snacks important?  Discuss...

Don't write and wondering where all the death is in this post?  Check back Monday when I hope to have two, count em, TWO posts.  It is Memorial Day, after all.

Working with Death Wednesday: Pediatric Surgical Nurse

Today I'm starting my new feature where I talk with people who work in a profession that encounters death.  I am pleased to welcome Jessica Salyer to the death writer blog! Jessica is a pediatric surgical nurse with over twelve years of experience. When not nursing, she can be found with her husband and three children. If she has any free time it's spent on her laptop where she is busy working on her first YA novel or blogging. 

DW:  So, why did you want to become a nurse?

Jessica:  Growing up my mom was in and out of hospitals. I saw the impact that nurses and doctors made on my mom's and my life. I realized that the time when people are in the hospital is a scary out-of-control time and the nurse's are the ones that can make or break the experience.
DW:  Did you realize in the beginning of your professional journey that you would be dealing with death?  I  know this seems like a ridiculous question, but I have to ask it.

Jessica:  Death has always been a reality in my life. When you grow up with a mother who has had multiple kidney transplants and on the brink of death multiple times, you grow up with a different view of death. Instead of it being a mysterious thing you know nothing about, you grow up with it. You know that it's always a shadow there in the background. I've never had any illusions about death or what I would be dealing with as a nurse. It's part of why I became one.
DW:  Did you have personal experience with death before becoming a nurse?

Jessica:  Before becoming a nurse I had a few family members die. My Great-grandma and Great-grandpa died when I was younger. Then when I was in nursing school my two uncles died within six months of each other. This was a very hard time for my family. Especially my Grandmother.  She lost her two sons and then less than a year later we lost my mom. My grandmother lost three of her four children with in a year and a half of each other. It was hard enough for me losing them, I can't imagine what my grandmother went through. She is the strongest woman I know.

Losing my mom was hard for me on two levels. First, the fact that I lost my mom and my best friend. Second, I had just become a nurse when she went into rejection the last time. Suddenly, I had all the answers and made all the decisions. I picked her doctors, signed consents, decided if and when she would have surgery, and when the time came decided they should let her go. I questioned my ability to make those decisions for many years after that. Questioned whether I made the right ones. Questioned that if I had made different ones she would still be here.

DW:  Do you remember the first person who died?

Jessica:  (note: In order not to give any patient identifiers I replaced her/him with them/they and changed the patients name to Patient.) Certain patients stick out in my mind and will always be with me. I do a lot of congenital heart defect surgery so sometimes the outcomes aren't so good. (Very technical terminology I know.) When I first started doing hearts there was this little baby that we operated on quite a bit, that baby sticks out. A few years later there was this patient who had a heart transplant. The patient did fine during surgery but after had some complications and never regained consciousness. I took that patient from the parents. I was the last person that saw that patient alert, smile, and say good bye to their mom and dad. I did not deserve that privilege. I've done organ procurements and those are never easy. I try to remind myself that they have died anyway and now they're saving someones life. However, when the anesthesiologist turns off the machine and walks out, it's very surreal. There's another one that sticks out lately. This patient hasn't died yet. I say yet because Patient has osteosarcoma (bone cancer) with tumors that went to the lungs. Patient had to have their right leg and pelvis removed. They also have had their tumors in their lungs resected (taken out) multiple times. The last time we did surgery, we only did it to let Patient live through the summer. Patient wanted to live long enough to go on a road trip this summer with a family member. Hopefully they'll make it that long. I admire Patient. The positive outlook they have is refreshing. Although they know they are going to die, it doesn't stop them from living.

DW:  How did you deal with that?

Jessica:  Death is inevitable. I cannot control which one of my patients live or die. What I can do is make sure that the interaction that they have with me is the best that they can possibly have. I remind myself that if they are going to die, they would die whether I was there or not, but maybe I could impact it, maybe I could make it a little bit better.

DW:  What kind of nurse are you?  

Jessica:  I'm a pediatric surgical nurse. I don't have a lot of patient interaction while my patients are awake, but I feel like what I have is very important. It's a very stressful time in their lives. Parents have to give their children over to a perfect stranger, to who-knows-what is going to happen to them. I have a small window of opportunity to gain a rapport with the family. To make the parents and child comfortable with me; so, maybe it won't be so hard.

DW:  Do you find yourself keeping some sort of emotional distance from your patients?  

Jessica:  I'm a very emotional person, so I have a hard time separating. I do try and remind myself that whatever happens to them is meant to happen. I just try to make it better. 

DW:  Is there any sort of support for your staff after a particularly sad or challenging day?

Jessica:  There are people who we can talk to and sometimes if there is something very traumatic they have a debriefing.

DW:  What is the most uncomfortable part of your job?

Jessica:  Taking the patients from their parents. It's not so bad with simple cases, but with bad cases or complex surgeries where the outcome might not be so good, it gets hard. Also when the dads cry. I expect the moms to cry, but when the dads cry, I almost start. 

DW:  As a nurse, is there any advice you have for people who read this blog?

Jessica:  Be your own advocate. Don't be afraid to ask questions or for second opinions. You have every right to know exactly what's going on with your health care. Also organ donation. You don't need your organs when you die, but someone else might. Think about this... my mom had her first kidney transplant before I was born. She had me and my brother. I had three kids and my brother had one. That's seven people that one person saved from their one kidney. Not to mention my future (much in the future) grandchildren.

Thank you so much Jessica for sharing your story with me today.  And thank you for the work you do.  Nurses are the greatest.  And I couldn't agree with you more about organ donation.  My brother-in-law is on the heart transplant list.  If anyone out there is feeling generous, you can donate to Jason's heart transplant fund.  New hearts cost a lot of money.