Some thoughts and a last letter

In the last week I have had a ton of traffic on my blog because of my posts about Matt Puckett.  Not many have commented on my posts, but there's been a fair amount of traffic.  I can only imagine that most people don't know what to say, so they remain silent.  The silence doesn't bother me.  Some people who know me might think I'm a bit kooky or out there because of the things I've done in the past couple of years.  Others think I'm brave for where I've ventured.  Others just think I'm a bleeding heart liberal who wants to hug it out with everyone.  I respect all of their opinions.  We all have a calling in our lives. My calling just happens to be about prison and death.  

So what does bother me about this whole situation, besides the obvious fact that a man is now dead?  Let's start with the comment sections on different news sources and there's a ton--like 155 articles throughout the US.  I've only read a few, but it's like reading a transcript of the Jerry Springer show. The people who are for the death penalty appear to be the most violent with their words.  "Hang him high," "use a rusty needle," "one bullet."  And on and on.  It seriously disturbs me how people can be so callous with their remarks about someone they don't know.  Yes, there are people out there who have done some absolutely horrible things, but should we take pleasure in their death?  I think not.

Next.  The ritualized nature of state sanctioned murder.  The state of Mississippi had three press conferences about Matt.  The Superintendent Epps appeared to take a strange glee in the countdown to the kill.  He hinted in the press release that in his experience with 17 executions that the men would usually confess at the last minute...so stay tuned folks!  They also reported that Matt seemed "somber."  Well, how the hell was he supposed to act?  How would you act if you knew that this was your last day on earth and that you would be lead into a room by a team of men who were going to strap you down, insert needles into your arms and then kill you in front of an audience?  Gleeful?

Which oddly leads me to a totally unrelated, but perhaps not, movie that is being released at midnight tonight. "The Hunger Games"  I don't read much fiction, but for some reason I picked that trilogy up at the library and read through it, dare I say, hungrily.  I loved it.  I loved that the heroine is strong, compassionate, and kicks ass.  The book got me thinking about current day American society and our love for "reality" television and violence.  And after I've watched the circus that Matt's execution became, I'm fairly certain that if death row inmates were thrown into a scenario like the hunger games, people would watch.  They'd praise the tax dollars that would be saved, they'd love the violence, and they wouldn't turn away from the carnage.

As I wrote this blog, the mail came.  My last letter from Matt.  I figured I'd post it.  But, first a word from our sponsor.

                                                                                                                        3/17/12

Dear Pamela,

Hello!  Well, I never wanted to go through this.  And it sucks that you are doing it again.  We humans are kinda crappy to one another.

I went through a round of letter to as many churches and organizations that I could.  Something like 80 stamps worth.  Don’t know if there was any good done or all a bust.  Thursday was the last mail call day—the last day we could send mail out—so I couldn’t write more.  I fell back to writing to everyone on my monthly schedule.  Got a lot done so far.  About 12 more to go.

They aren’t that long.  I have to thank everyone.  There have been so many good people that supported me.  I couldn’t have found a better group of people.  So, thank you for all the love and kindness.  I so hate that we couldn’t keep the correspondence going.

It’s technically not over with but I’ve had nothing but bad news for so long I do not expect it to change.  I’m tired anyway.  Hell one minute I’m up hoo-rahing, the next I’m just out of it.

I’m still at 29 Jay.  I actually expected them to come today at  four-o’clock to pick me up.  Usually when the date is a Wednesday they come on a Sunday to get them.  Since mine is a Tuesday I figured a Saturday.  I thought that despite the fact that Sparkmann told me they would come Sunday.  So about  four o’clock tomorrow they will come get me and take me to unit 17.  I try to get some hope drummed up and then viciously close it off.  Once you go to 17 it is rare that they make a trip back.  Only twice out of 12 executions.

I’ll be the only prisoner in the whole unit.  Constant guard from then on out.  When I go I can’t take anything with me.  I pleaded with Sparkmann to let me take my journal.  It’s my catharsis. And it would suck so much to record all those years and not be able to describe the last 48 hours.  He let me take that and some stationary.  I don’t want to take that so I am trying to get the letters done here at 29.  Get that task done and I will get the last four essays in final draft.

I laugh at myself because I had not done much writing.  And when that ball is rolling, I have been on a tear.  Wish I had that motivation all the time.

I’ve given most of my stuff away.  A couple of items left—a fan, hygiene items, bed linen, clothes, basic shit.  When I first got locked up all I had was a spoon and a cup.  I’m almost full circle.

I gave it all away.  TV, radio, dictionary—these possessions had been in my cell for years.  They’d been packed up and moved to other cells.  They made the trip from 32 to 29.

That’s my day.  Write letters. Give items away.  Met a couple preachers today.  Less and less activity, like a pendulum slowing down.  I used to be rabid about activity.  I had to do something.  I reasoned there was no minute of the day when something couldn’t be done.  My energy has me shaking my leg, you know like people do—bounce on the toes while sitting.  I hate idle.  I hate not being able to do something.  Cleaning the showers was a bitch, but it took work that I loved.

Shoot, I’ve ramble on enough.  With deep sincerity I thank you for being my friend.  Thank you for the kindness and love.  Keep at the cause.  Only when people care can something be done.

Make them care.

Matt

Matt Puckett


"Hope is the worst of evils, as it prolongs the torment of man."
Friedrich Nietzsche



I have been thinking a lot about Matt Puckett during the past month as he is scheduled to be executed by the state of Mississippi tomorrow, March 20, 2012.  He has been my pen pal for a couple of years.  His spiritual adviser asked me if I'd write to him since Matt liked to write.  I'm no Stephen King, but I've had a few pieces published and I'm writing about the death penalty, so I agreed.  Matt sent me his writing and I broke out a red pen and told him what I thought he needed to do to make his words come alive.  I am not an editor by any means, but with Matt, I got to put that hat on for a little while and see what it felt like. Unlike me, Matt wasn't afraid of editorial comments and suggestions.  He was thirsty for knowledge and liked a challenge.  My favorite thing he ever wrote was when I told him to write an essay that started with the line, "It was another gritty Maxwell House morning."  This was after he admitted to me in one of his earlier letters that he ate instant coffee to stay awake.

What I liked about Matt was his determination.  He wasn't going to let his environment bring him down.  Prison tends to do that to a person.  But, Matt rose above it.  He read.  He wrote.  He made it a mission to learn a new word each day and use it.  He was curious about the world and he liked to discuss things.  He had so many pen pals that he communicated with on a daily basis that it astounded me.  He started a prison library so that everyone could read books, which he felt were important.  The last book he read was "The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks."  I loved that book and I was so pleased that he was able to read it. I told him to look on the dedication page for one of my mentor's names, Diana Hume George.  I think he got a kick out of the fact that I had a distant connection to the much better, more famous writer, Rebecca Skloot.  But he was stuck with me.

I asked the "Sun Magazine" to send him a subscription, as they will do that free of charge to the incarcerated, in the hopes that he would submit something to them.  I don't know if he ever did.  He does have some essays out there on the internet.

His family and everyone who has had a relationship with him is in a very bad position right now.  The machinery of death is in motion and there is little to stop it.  I've been in this position before with Khristian Oliver and no matter how many times you call the Governor's office, there is nothing to do but sit and wait and watch and worry.  It's the most surreal experience ever.  Matt Puckett knows that there's a very real chance that he will die on that gurney tomorrow at approximately 6pm.


In my last letter to him, I sent him an essay about hope.  We'd discussed hope, whether it was a good or a bad thing for someone in his predicament.  When you really think about it, what's more healthy?  Preparing for our exit or clinging to a shred of hope?  Can you have both? I don't know.  I've never been there.

But, I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat the truth of my feelings.  Since I've grown to know him, I empathize with him for the emotional torment he is going through right now in Unit 17 at Parchman.  I can't imagine what that's like.  I hope that he's finding some semblance of peace tonight.  And if he has to take that walk tomorrow, I hope that he does it without fear.

Bitter Party of One, Your Table's Ready

My husband deleted, or should I say deactivated, his facebook account today.  I noticed his absence this morning when I looked at where it said “married to.” His picture was gone, along with his name. Now it just says I’m married.  To whom?  Only I know for sure, but I assure you that we are still very much married.

Erik and I have both had a love/hate relationship with Facebook.  I got sucked in my first semester of grad school in 2008.  It seemed like all the cool kids were doing it and I didn’t want to feel left out like a teetotaler at a keg party. And to take this keg party metaphor one step further, I got drunk on Facebook after my first sip of foam.  I wanted to be friends with anyone that would claim me, even people I didn’t particularly like that much.  In real life, I’m a little more discretionary with my friendship, but on the world wild web, I was a slut.

In 2009, Erik joined the party while I was away at school.  He missed me.  And if you thought I was a slut, you should have seen Erik after his first few sips of inst-a-matic friend connection.  He accumulated over 600 friends in a matter of months.  It didn’t matter that maybe their only connection was sitting in the same class in 1985—they were friends—a motley mix of the past, the present, people he worked with, people he didn’t know and about 200 people he “met” playing Viking Clan.

But then one day, I scrolled through my husband’s list of new found friends and discovered a few of his ex-girlfriends in the mix.  Yes, I'll admit, I've searched for a few old flames, but I did not find discovering these ladies on my husband's friend page particularly fun. Because of my imaginative (okay, some might say neurotic or maybe paranoid) nature, it made me question the reality of facebook, of friendship, of life.  I know, heavy.  Right?

So, I started culling the masses.  I cut.  I cut some more.  But then I was told that as a writer I had to have lots of friends.  You know, friends to sell that book to when and if it ever came out.  Well, guess what?  Facebook is the biggest distraction from writing that book that I have ever encountered.  I can’t seem to pull myself away from the party. I want to see the pictures and the status updates and the witty quotes and the Farmville acquisitions.  Okay, I lied about that last one.  I could care less about Farmville.

To be honest, Facebook allows me too much information about the people I know, even about the people I don’t know.  I know their religious beliefs.  I know which political candidates they like or don’t like.  I know which TV shows they watch, what movie they just saw, if they have a migraine, if their child is potty trained, if their dog is depressed, if they are in love or merely in a state of complication. 

What I don’t know is if I can function without it.  Erik is the test case and if he can boldly go forth without friends liking his every move, I may decide to join that party.